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Poll

Remove the forums we dont ever use?

71% 71% [ 5 ]
29% 29% [ 2 ]

Total Votes : 7


Endorfine!

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Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Sat Apr 17, 2010 2:31 am

Smiling is good for your health, and therefore should be part of your daily diet, just like fruit and veggies!
So, to take good care of your fellow guildies' health, share some jokes ^^

Tough day at the farm

A farmer goes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a double whiskey. "oh what the hell," he says, "just give me the whole bottle."
The bartender looks at him and asks: "Rough day, eh? What happened?"
The farmer sighs, and starts telling: "Well, this morning i was milking my cow, i almost had a full bucket when that stupid animal kicked with her right leg and knocked over the bucket." "Oh cheer up man," the bartender replies, "these things happen, it's not worth getting yourself wasted over."
"I'm not done yet, it gets worse." the farmer says. "So i tied down her right leg with a piece of rope, and continued to milk her. Had half a bucket when the bloody cow knocked over the bucket again, with her left leg."
"Aye, tough break, but really.. you think that's a good reason to get smashed?" the bartender says.
The farmer says: "Wait, it got worse! I tied down her left leg aswell with some rope, and continued milking. Had nearly a full bucket again, when the idiot animal knocked over the bucket again, with a sweep of her tail!"
"You've got some bad luck indeed, but hae, it's only spilled milk."
The farmer, agitated, says: "But it got even worse! As i couldn't find more rope, i used my belt to tie the damn tail to the fence, and that's when my trousers dropped down and my wife walked in.."
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Perkyspy on Sat Apr 17, 2010 9:31 am

bondage on a cow ftw
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Tue Apr 20, 2010 12:55 am

Silly wives?!

Three men in a bar are discussing their silly wives:
"My wife is so silly, she spend 20.000 Euro on a new kitchen and she can't even cook!" the first one says.
"Ha, that's nothing!" the second one replies: "My silly wife bought a convertible worth 50.000 Euro, and she doesn't even have a driver's license."
"Mine is worse than your two wives." the third one claims. "She's going on a trip to Brazil with her girlfriends next week, and she packed 100 condoms. She doesn't even have a penis!!"
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Kaili on Tue Apr 20, 2010 1:21 am

LOL cheers
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:51 pm

Doh!

A blonde is driving home in her car, when a terrible hailstorm comes down. The hail is the size of tennis balls and before long her car is full of dents.
The next day she takes the car to a repair-shop. The mechanic working there decides to have a bit of fun with the blonde and tells her she can easily get rid of the dents herself: "Just take the car back home, miss. If you blow in the exhaust pipe real hard, the dents will be pushed right out."
So back home the blonde goes, thinking to herself what a nice mechanic that was, saving her a -no doubt large- bill. Back home she gets out of the car, gets on her knees and starts blowing in the exhaust pipe.. nothing happens. She tries again, blows even harder, but still nothing. At that moment her friend, also a blonde, crosses the street, sees her friend and asks: "What on earth are you doing?" The first blonde explains to her friend how the mechanic advised her to fix the dents, and tries again to blow the dents out. Her friend rolls her eyes and replies: "Well doh-oh, shouldn't you close the windows first??!"
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Kaili on Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:04 am

Hah quality
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Itsybitsy on Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:27 am

When I bumped my head, Subeam made it all better :p

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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:48 am

Test

At a high-school a teacher is telling her class they'll have a very important test coming up next week.
"It's going to weigh for a lot of study points, so you must not miss it. Only for very special cases will the school make an exception. For example a wedding of one of your relatives."
Bob, the coolest kid in class, asks: "But miss, what if you're exhausted from a night of hot, brutal sex?"
"Well, in that case Bob," the teacher replies, "you could always use your other hand to write?"
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Impman on Fri Apr 23, 2010 8:51 am

I don't think but wanks off but you got the "coolest kid in the class" part right ;D
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Wed Apr 28, 2010 4:33 am

Wild wild .. Wales?

A ventriloquist is on a hiking trip in Wales. When he stops at a farm to refill his water bottle, he decides to have a bit of fun with the farmer, so he points at the farm dog and says: "That's a cute dog you got there. Would it be ok if i had a little chat with it?"
The farmer, thinking this tourist must be missing some marbles, grins and replies: "Well, if you like one-sided conversation, go for it. The dog can't speak."

So, the ventriloquist walks up to the dog and says: "Why hello there, how are you?"
"Oh, i can't complain," the dog replies much to the astonishment of the farmer, "i've got a great boss, he feeds me well, takes me for long walks and plays fetch with me a lot."

The ventriloquist, amused about the farmer's mouth hanging open, then points at the farmer's horse and says: "That's one fine looking horse! Could i have a talk with him aswell?" The farmer, still surprised about his dog speaking, mumbles: "Erm.. eh yeah.. sure. But my horse certainly can't speak!"

The ventriloquist hands the horse a piece of his apple, and then asks him: "And horse, how are you today? I must say you look fantastic!"
The horse replies: "Thank you, you're very kind, but it's all because of my boss. He takes great care of me, feeds me well, brushes me daily to keep me clean and shiny, and we often go for long walks across his land."
The farmer is almost in shock, he can't understand his animals talking all of the sudden, they never said a word to him before!

The ventriloquist next points at one of the sheep in the field and asks the farmer: "Could i have a chat with the sheep too?"
The farmer, panicking: "No, no! The sheep's a liar!!"

Suspect
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Sat May 01, 2010 10:49 am

Stork

Little John's been nagging to have a baby brother for months now, and his parents are fed up with it. So his father calls him and says: "Look John, here's some grass seed. Just spread it out over the garden and then the stork will soon arrive."
So little John goes outside and does as his father told him.
Weeks pass and every day John goes outside to check if the stork has arrived yet.

Then one morning, his mum tells him a new baby's been born at the neighbours. John is very upset, but his mother insists he comes with her for a visit to the new baby. That afternoon, they go over for a visit, and John angrily says to the neighbour: "Just keep in mind it was my father's seed, not yours!!"
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Bazilbrush on Sun May 02, 2010 7:27 am

something for the political mood here Very Happy

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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Itsybitsy on Sun May 02, 2010 2:05 pm

Is that for after?


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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Wed May 05, 2010 8:17 am

(no point translating this one, but was too good not to post for the dutchies.. don't worry, i'll find another one for the non-dutchies ;p)

Held?

Twee Rotterdamse jochies zijn in de buurt van De Kuip met een bal op de stoep aan het spelen. Plotseling schiet aan de andere kant van de straat een pitbull-terriër los van zijn baasje. Brullend schiet het beest de straat over, recht op het jochie af dat de bal heeft. Het andere jochie bedenkt zich geen moment, springt, grijpt het eind van de lijn en haakt 't bliksemsnel achter een paal. Daardoor wordt, vlak voordat het beest zijn tanden in zijn vriendje kan zetten, de lijn met een schok strak getrokken. De hond breekt zijn nekt en sterft.

Toevallig is een Rotterdamse journalist getuige van het voorval. Hij snelt op de jonge redder af en roept:
"Dat was geweldig! Jij bent een held! Vind je 't goed als ik er een stukje over schrijf?"
"Mij best," antwoordt het jochie. De journalist pakt zijn notitieblok en pen tevoorschijn en schrijft:
"Jonge Feyenoord-fan redt vriendje uit klauwen van moordzuchtig beest..."
"Maar ik ben helemaal geen Feyenoord-fan," onderbreekt het jochie hem.
"O, excuus," zegt de journalist.
Hij haalt er een streep door, en verbetert:
"Jonge Sparta-fan voorkomt afgrijselijke aanval door dolle hond."
"Maar ik ben ook geen Sparta-fan," onderbreekt het jochie hem weer.
"O, wat ben je dan?" vraagt de journalist, "Excelsior?"
"Ajax," antwoordt het jochie.
Waarop de journalist neerpent:
"Lafhartige Ajax-hooligan vermoordt weerloos hondje."


Anyone else..?

At the circus, there's this lion act, which is done by a drop-dead gorgeous, well proportioned young woman, dressed in nothing but a minuscule tight outfit. This tamer uses her whip to make her lions do amazing tricks, and the audience is ecstatic. At the end of her show she receives a well deserved standing ovation.

The tamer then decides to give the audience an encore, so she sends all the lions out of the ring, except for the large male lion. She throws away her whip, walks up to the lion and opens it's mouth, exposing his huge teeth. While asking the audience for silence, she takes out one of her fine formed breasts, puts it in the lion's mouth and raises her arms up. The people in the audience can hardly believe their eyes and hold their breath, afraid to startle the lion. But he sits perfectly still.

When the tamer has put her breast back in her outfit, the audience gives her another standing ovation, even louder than before! As the audience finally calms down again, the tamer takes the microphone and asks if there's anyone else who'd like to do this stunt. The people all sit down and look around at their neighbours...
From way in the back of the audience, a fragile, old man stumbles forward with his walking cane. When he's reached the tamer, she laughs a bit and asks if he had heard the question correct.

"Sure, i've heard it." the old man replies. "And i'm not entirely sure i can open my mouth wide enough, but i'll gladly give it a try.."
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Perkyspy on Wed May 05, 2010 10:29 am

reminded me of this old man



the biggest perv in dragonball - the famous Master Roshi
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Wed May 19, 2010 12:07 am

Good manners

During a lesson about 'good manners' the teacher asked her class: "In this example, you're taking a well mannered girl to dinner in a fancy restaurant. Now, you need to use the toilet, what would you say to the girl?"
Michael is the first to reply: "Hang on, i got to take a leak."
"No no, you can't say that!" the teacher reacts, "That would be incredibly rude. Jean, maybe you can give a more appropriate answer?"
Jean: "Excuse me for a moment, i need to use the toilet, i'll be right back."
The teacher says: "That's a lot better already, but it's not pleasant to mention the toilet during a meal. Maybe Coy can come up with a solution for that?"
Coy: "Well, i would say: My dearest, if you'll excuse me for a moment, i'm swiftly going to shake hand with a close friend, who i'm hoping to introduce to you after this dinner."
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Fri Jun 18, 2010 1:09 am

Mixed feelings:

Watching your mother-in-law drive off a cliff, in your brand new Ferrari o.O


Crazy?

A journalist goes to a mental institution to interview one of the doctors. His first question is: "How do you determine whether a person is crazy or not?"
So the doctor tells him: "Well, when someone arrives here he's given 3 items. A teaspoon, a mug and a bucket. Next we take the person to the bathroom, where we have a filled bath tub waiting. The idea is to empty the bath tub as quickly as possible."
"Ah right," the journalist says, "so if that person picks the bucket, he's normal.."
The doctor interrupts: "Ehm no.. A normal person would just pull the plug out. Would you like a bed by the window or one near the wall?"
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Guest on Fri Jun 18, 2010 6:58 am

Difference between Guts and Balls

GUTS – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

So which do you admire the most subeam, a man with guts or a man with balls Question

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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Fri Jun 18, 2010 8:06 am

Either, they're both easy enough to remove with a knife. A blunt knife. A rusty blunt knife! Razz
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Guest on Fri Jun 18, 2010 9:20 am

Still, if any man did ever come home and say either of those he would know it was worth it just for the fact he would be a legend amongst those who knew him lol.

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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Subeam on Fri Jul 23, 2010 5:51 pm

Salesman of the year!

A young man passes a supermarket and sees a flyer on the window, saying the owner of the store is looking for a sales person. He walks in to the store and asks to speak to the owner, who he tells he'd like to have the job. The owner asks him if he has any experience as a salesman, to which the young man replies: "Experience, me? I'm the king of sales! My cousin used to have a store, at which i worked as a salesman and i made him so much profit he has retired early and now spends his days in luxury in Brazil. I swear on my mother's life, there's no better salesman than me."

The owner decides he'd like to see this for himself, so he offers the young man a trial period. That same day the young man begins his new career. At closing time, the owner comes back to check up on the young man. He asks him how his first day has been, and if he's sold a lot. The young man replies: "I'm sorry, but there's only been one customer in all day, i swear."

"Hmm, that's not so good, of course." the owner of the store says. "So, for how much did you sell to that customer?"
"Only for 300.000 Euro, sir. I'm sorry." the young man answers.
"What? For 300.000 Euro?! How on earth did you manage to do that?" the astounded owner asks.

And the young salesman tells:
"The customer came in and i sold him a fishing rod. I also suggested some bait and a box for him to store his fishing materials in. I told him 1 line wasn't really good enough if he wanted to fish well and showed him a line with which he'd even be able to catch Moby Dick, should he happen to come across it. Of course, for that line he then needed some special floaters and hooks. I then suggested he'd buy a professional fishing outfit, so not to look like a moron in front of the other pro fishermen, that's water tight trousers, boots, a coat, wax to keep his coat waterproof and a fishing hat. After all, we wouldn't want our customers to look like idiots, right?
Next i asked him where he planned to go for his fishing trip, and he told me he would go sea fishing. So i made him a nice deal on a 12 meter long motor boat. I asked him how he planned to get the boat to the sea and it turned out he hadn't thought about that yet, so i sold him that new Mercedes Jeep, complete with the trailer for the boat. Adding it all up, the bill came to 303.000 Euro, which i gave him a discount on, making it a nice round figure. He signed the cheque."

The owner's jaw by now has dropped to the floor. He says: "You.. you sold a Mercedes to someone who came to buy a fishing rod??"

"Well, not exactly.." the young salesman replies. "The customer came in to buy a box of tampons for his girlfriend, and i said: Well, since your weekend is fucked anyways, why not go fishing?"



Have a nice weekend Laughing
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Re: Endorfine!

Post  Trumpetka on Sat Jul 24, 2010 2:22 am

Oh yes, fishing contest Very Happy
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Re: Endorfine!

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